Stronger With Time

It certainly has been a very long time. I have been working on myself, to say the least. As I have not fully healed, I have gotten stronger with time. After everything that happened to me this past summer, things got even more complicated. An on again off again friendship with the one I love who no longer loves me back, being stuck between family and friends and that person, and having mixed emotions. Needless to say, I am confused. I am hurt. I struggle every day. But in the end, I know I have my friends and family and that makes everything somewhat better.

I shall start blogging again. Until next time...

You Haven't Seen The Last Of Me

Hey guys! Wow, it has been a month since I have posted!! My life has been very very hectic. But I am back. You haven't seen the last of me! (Love that song in Burlesque). Anyways, as for what has been up in my life. I am back to school obviously and have sooooo much work to do for classes. I am wrapping up the season of coaching 5th grade volleyball. The girls did SOOO awesome. We are second in the league as of right now, but we have two more regular season games and then tournaments! We also get to coach them as 6th graders next year! Life is going really well right now. Yes, I have my relapses of being down and thinking of the past....but I am okay. I have great friends and I am having the time of my life. :)

Now I am going to move on to my topic for this blog post. Domestic violence. I am just going to vent about my feelings because I got into a debate with someone about this earlier. Domestic violence is the most cowardly thing that can be done. This goes both way, a man abusing a woman or a woman abusing a man. However, I feel it is even more cowardly when a man abuses a woman because most women are weaker than the men in their lives. Speaking to men who abuse: What part of your brain says it is okay to lay a hand on a woman? What says it is a good idea to degrade her, put her down, and make her feel worthless? Why do you have to hurt the ones around you just to feel better about yourself?

In my opinion it is because you feel inadequate. There are many reasons for this, but I am not going to list them all. However, I think the excuse "I was abused as a child" is the dumbest cop out ever. Yes, it is proven that if a child is abused they will be more likely to grow up and become an abuser. But, wouldn't you NOT want to put someone else through what you went through. Does not make sense to me. Seriously grow a pair and have some decency. As for women who abuse their significant other, really girls? We claim to be sensitive and innocent and look at the name you are making for us. I mean seriously people, just stop already.

Better Off?

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately and I have come to a few conclusions that I feel like I need to get off my chest. The past month and a half has been really rough for me, but I am doing alright.

Conclusion #1: I am still in love with Andrew and it is going to take quite a bit of time to be completely over him. He was a huge part of my life and I had future plans with him and all of that was ripped away from me. He has become everything I thought he never was and he is nothing like that I believed he could be. Which brings me to my second conclusion.

Conclusion #2: Maybe I am better off. Maybe it is a good thing that he left me. Maybe we were not meant to be. And as it is hard to fully believe these things right now because I do miss him so much, I feel like maybe this is the case. It certainly is a good thing that he didn't go through with his promises and leave me after we were married and had kids. So, what I have decided is maybe there is someone better out there for me. Someone who won't lie to me, someone who will treat me like a princess ALL the time...not just when it is convenient for him. Someone who will make me smile for the smallest reasons. Or maybe I will be alone forever...which brings me to conclusion number three.

Conclusion #3: If I am alone several years down the road and Andrew were to come back to me and say he is sorry and wants me back, I have no idea what I would do. If you would have asked me what I would do a month ago I would've said I would take him back in a heartbeat. But now he has put me through so much and handled things so immaturely that I have a lot of anger towards him. I feel like if I stepped back and assessed the situation and he had his life on truck I would maybe possibly give him another chance and take it slow. But I would definitely not be jumping in with both feet and I would be watching closely. This whole situation makes me sad. Which leads into the next conclusion.

Conclusion #4: Music tends to make me sad. My iTunes playlist consists of songs that either reminded me of Andrew when we were together or reminds me of our situation now. BUT I have found some happy songs. But just throwing it out there that I can barely get through Remind Me by Carrie Underwood without crying. And my last conclusion...

Conclusion #5: I have plenty of reasons to be happy right now! So I am doing okay actually. I have amazing friends and family. I have my own apartment now. I started school again. I start coaching tomorrow. I just have a lot of positive in my life at the moment. A special shout out to some of the friends and family I was talking about earlier...
Harley Rohrbacher: what would I do without you. You are truly my twin/other half/best friend. Living with you is the bestest!
Andy DeNucci: you are my bestfriend, no doubt about that and you are always there when I need you. Love you!
Sarah Boes: sister! I love you! You have been the greatest help of all through everything and I am so lucky to have you in my life.
Nick Schaefer: oh boy what to say about you lol, you have been there for me a lot lately and I can't thank you enough for the talks and taco night and whatnot. You're really a great guy Nicholas. :)
Olivia Young: you gorgeous little girl. You never fail to bring a smile to my face. Aunt Ashley loves you very much and that will never change! Promise :)
Alyssa Baum: sistahcuz! Loves you. You always have something to say to cheer me up. Miss you.

Well that's it.
Goodnight
Ash

Long Time No See

Wow! I totally did not realize how long it had been since I had blogged. I have been writing a lot, but for some reason I haven't been writing on here! Anyways, I have had so much going on in my life lately. First of all, Andrew broke up with me...so I am a single lady now. Second, I moved into my new apartment! I absolutely love it. Having my own place and living with my awesome roommate Harley is amazing. Third, I have been going through physical therapy and trying to regain strength and motion in my knee. I am off crutches and walking with just the brace unlocked to 40 degrees. I have bent my knee a total of 80 degrees, but that took a little pushing. I still have practically no muscle power though :(. Fourth, school has started! I like most of my classes, but walking to class with this whole leg brace thing is a pain in my behind. Let's just say the bus has become my best friend. Lastly, volleyball is beginning. I am the head coach for a 5th grade volleyball team! I am so excited to start the season. The reason I am blogging at 7:45am is because I am awake waiting to leave for my coaches training. It sucks because it is from 9am-1:30pm and most of the stuff I know already because I reffed for 4 years. Oh well. Practices start Monday. I am so excited!

I have been having A LOT of low blood sugars. Seems like I wake up every morning between 2-7am with a blood sugar under 70. Luckily, my doctor made some changes yesterday and I did NOT wake up last night! HOORAY! Diabetes sucks. I guess I am just having one of those months where I am like screw this, I don't want to do this anymore. I have COMPLETELY slacked on fundraising and stuff this year for the walk, but I guess I have a few legitimate excuses? Such as my knee surgery and barely being able to get out of bed for a couple weeks.

I am also excited for my "sister"s wedding. It is actually my ex's sister, but I still consider her my sister. She is getting married on 11/11/11 :) and I am in the wedding. My dress is gorgeous! And I cannot wait to see her in her dress. I know she will look absolutely stunning! Her little daughter, Olivia, and I will be walking down the aisle together. Oh how I adore that little girl.

Well, I am off to my training. Good morning all. Have a good day.
Ash

Frustrated Beyond Belief

Have you ever been so frustrated that you cannot stand it? Have you ever been so furious with someone that you love so much that it is confusing? I have. I am. He is an amazing man, I know he can be better than he is acting. I believe in who he wants to be. I am one of the only people who have stood by him for 8 years and supported every decision, believed in him every second, and loved him with my whole heart. Yet, he continues to break my heart each and every day he ignores me. He tells everyone but myself that he wants to break up. I gave him his time. I am done waiting around. I am making my moves now.

On another note, I started physical therapy on my knee last Friday. It didn't go so well the first appointment, but I went back today and made good progress! I doubled my motion bending. I lifted my heel off the table for a few seconds. That is a big improvement from the other day. So, at least that is going right in my life.

I am going to go continue my Law & Order: SVU marathon. Goodnight
Ash

Ups and Downs

Being a diabetic has taught me that nothing is certain in life and that life is full of ups and downs, sometimes ups and downs that you can't control. There have been a few ups and downs in my life recently, some more significant than others. So, I figured I would write about them.

As for the ups. I have increased my close friend circle a great deal. I have found out who my true friends are. I had an awesome doctor appointment today. It was my first checkup after the surgery. He took me off crutches and told me I can start therapy. I can start bending it in therapy. I got a cool x-ray of the screws in my leg. The doctor said he is very pleased with how my progress is compared to the major work I had done and the incisions look great.

As for the downs. I am slowly losing my best friend and boyfriend, the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. Because of the stress from this I have lost weight, fast, which is not good. I have been crying a lot, which is not fun. I did have to have surgery, so that is a down, even if everything is going well. I did not get the job at the library I applied for, so I must again start looking for jobs. I am in a lot of pain, but it is getting better.

I am sure there are more ups and downs, but I am going to leave it at that. As for the ups and downs of diabetes, I have those too. My blood sugar was doing awesome, but now all of a sudden it is all over the place. Well, that's all.

Ash

My Kind of High

Yes, it is 6:45am and yes, I am awake. To explain exactly why I am awake, blood sugar. You should know by now (if you follow my blogs) that I had surgery so I am on pain medication. Well, I woke up at 6:30 to take my medicine and I checked my sugar because I felt a little funny. Sure enough, 506. Yes, my blood sugar is a whopping five-hundred-and-six. And now that I think about it, I have all of the symptoms. Mid-night highs are hard to sense because all of the symptoms have other explanations. Blurry vision, could be because I just woke up. Stomach pain, I often have stomach aches right as I wake up. Nausea, maybe I ate something too close to going to bed. Sweating, it is really hot in here isn't it?

So there we go. That is my kind of high. Such a rush, NOT. I changed my pump site, just in case that was the problem, and took 5.4 units of insulin and my pump instructed me to do. Hopefully, it will come back down soon, because I hate this feeling, the feeling of my kind of high. I am afraid to sleep when it is this high, but I am so tired. So I guess I just have to keep myself busy and awake until it comes down to a comfortable level that I can get some rest. I will update this post later with results of the morning, so be sure to check back to hear the rest of the story.

UPDATES:
7:15am (after half an hour) my sugar is 423 (down 86 points from original)
8:30am (almost 2 hours after) my sugar is 230 (down 276 points from original)
11:00am (about 4 hours after) my sugar is 108 (down 398 points from original)

Well, my sugar is back to normal. It took about 4 hours, some sleep, a few bathroom runs, and a lot of water, but it is back to normal. Oh the life of a diabetic.

Ash

Beautiful Mess

What a beautiful mess I am in. I dream at night of the things I know he can be, that I know we can be. Almost every night I feel the warmth of being in that position again, being in his arms. And then I wake up. And my world comes crashing down. The promises still linger in my head and in my heart, so I wait as patiently as I possibly can. I wonder, I wish, I think, I hope, I pray, I cry, I talk, I scream...I have all of these emotions running through me. I have never been so depressed, sad, upset, frustrated, confused all at the same time. Everyone has their opinions. It's either "everything is going to be okay" or "you will get over this". No one knows. To be honest, no one knows but him. However, I do have this gut feeling that when he is ready to settle down, start his life, and be with someone...he will come back to me. I know he loves me, I can see it in the way he looks at me, I can feel it in his kiss...in his touch. Well, just in case you are reading this, I love you.

Music Can Be A Bad Thing

So, I thought that taking a car ride and listening to music would make me happier. The car ride and change of scenery made me feel better, but the music most certainly did not. When songs like "It Matters To Me" and "Every Light in the House" come on the radio, it just makes me think. So I figured I would post some lyrics that have been running through my head.

IT MATTERS TO ME
When we don't talk
When we don't touch
When it doesn't feel like we're even in love
It matters to me
When I don't know what to say
Don't know what to do
Don't know if it really even matters to you
How can I make you see
It matters to me

EVERY LIGHT IN THE HOUSE
I told you I'd leave a light on
In case you ever wanted to come back home
You smiled and said you appreciate the gesture
I took your every word to heart
'Cause I can't stand us being apart
And just to show how much I really miss ya

Every light in the house is on
The backyard's bright as the crack of dawn
The front walk looks like runway lights
It's kinda like noon in the dead of night
Every light in the house is on
Just in case you ever do get tired of being gone
Every light in the house is on




Well, off to watch Secret Life of the American Teenager and try to sleep. Goodnight.
Ash

Quick Update

I haven't been in the best of moods and haven't felt like blogging very much, but I figured I would give you all a quick update on my life. Things are still unsolved with Andrew, just patiently waiting. My knee has gotten better. I took the bandages off and cleaned it up and have been having less and less pain. I am putting weight on my leg when walking with crutches and have significantly cut back my pain medicine. Along with all of the positive, comes the negative. I am SO terribly bored sitting in my bedroom all day every day. Netflix, Yahtzee, Rummy, word games, and Color By Number have kept me sane...along with all of my friends and family. My visitors have been wonderful. Special thanks to a few extra-special friends who made my days go by easier:

Matt Glover: Thank you for that wonderful candy basket courtesy of the store. It has brought a little flavor to my boring life! Thanks, also, for sitting with me while my mom ran errands and keeping me company :)

Paris Hall: Thanks for the visit after work and the pop! It was awesome to have a little change on the menu of drinks haha.

Harley Rohrbacher: Girl, you are the best. You are my best friend and your visits have cheered me up soooo much. Playing Yahtzee and talking was great. Can't wait for our girls night. We are getting an apartment in like a couple weeks! Ahhh. So exciting. You are the best and you know me better than I know myself sometimes. We are practically the same person. Love you girl.

Andy DeNucci: Oh boy, what to say about you. You are seriously one of the best friends a girl could ask for. You know how to treat your girl friends and you know just what to say to make me feel better. You came home from vacation and the first chance you got, you were at my house visiting me. You are my best friend and I am sure there will be many more visits to come...and we can finish that elephant movie haha. Love you bestfrienddd.

My mom and dad have also been so helpful through this whole process. I can't thank all of you enough. Love you all.

Ash

Troubles

This post is going to be very short. I am at a point in my life right now where I am not happy. I am having a few issues with my life. First of all, things are complicated with Andrew. In case you are reading this Andrew, you are the love of my life. I want to spend forever with you and I don't care when that begins, but please come back to me like you promised. Take your time to be who you want to be and get your life on track, but come back to me. I will be waiting...impatiently, but waiting. And in the meantime I hope you will still be my best friend. You are the perfect man for me. I believe in the man you want to be and the man I know you can be. You are my rock, my best friend, and I cannot thank you enough for the past seven years. Please don't let it end. Second, I just had major knee surgery. They did a medial strengthen (meaning they tightened the ligaments on the inside of my knee cap), a lateral release (meaning they severed the ligaments on the outside of my knee cap), split my shin bone, and a patellar realignment (meaning they moved my patellar tendon to the middle of my shin where it should be). I am in a lot of pain and I am on heavy pain medicine, which is why I am making this post short. My words start jumbling when I take my medicine because it makes me tired. I am hoping to cut my pain meds down tomorrow because the pain has decreased a tiny bit. I am also taking the bandages off of my knee tomorrow hopefully.

To wrap this up, my life is at a stand still right now for the most part. I am bored, confused, sad, in pain, hurt, dazed, anxious, and so many more emotions. Part of me feels happy sometimes because I am keeping busy to keep my mind off of things, but when I get bored I start thinking and things cross my mind that make me sad again. I hope things get better soon. For those of you who know me personally, I welcome visitors whenever because it sucks being stuck in your bed with nothing to do.

Goodnight
Ash

Who Ever Said Change Was A Good Thing?

Who ever said change was a good thing, was wrong! Well at least that is how I feel right now. So I know it has been a while since I have blogged, but here it is 11:45pm and I am awake because of...what other than...my diabetes. I had an appointment with my endocrinologist yesterday and we made some major changes to my insulin plan. Throughout the day today, my blood sugar readings were good and I was excited to see that things were going well. Then 8pm rolled around. I had eaten dinner with my boyfriend and his dad and a half hour later my sugar was 51! When I checked my pump it said that despite my bad low, I had 11 units of insulin in my system still working on bringing my blood sugar down even farther! Of course I panicked...but I called my doctor and got things straightened out. Andrew helped me through it and I started feeling a little better by the time he dropped me off at home.

NOW! Three hours later, my blood sugar is 400. I JUST CANT MAKE DIABETES HAPPY. I am unbelievably frustrated and I can tell this is going to be a reallyyyy long night :( But instead of crying and being sad, I am going to tell you my exciting diabetes news. My A1C was 10.9% last appointment. (Yes I know really bad). Yesterday at the doctor I found out it is now 8.8%! That is a whole 2.1% decrease!!! HOORAY! :)

Now I am going to curl up with a warm blanket, a shirt that smells like Andrew, and a nice movie and attempt to get some rest...or at least calm down a little and let the insulin do its job. Goodnight all.

Ash

Stand Strong Together, Never Give Up

I haven't blogged in a while, but I figured I am not busy now so I should write a new post. First a quick update on what is going on in my life. As said in the last post, I have to have surgery. I was off of work for two weeks already due to my injury. One week was for recovery and the second week was for vacation. I spent the week at my campground spending time with family and my boyfriend. We took a day trip to Cleveland to visit the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in which Andrew pushed me in a wheelchair through the whole museum. Haha. I started my online summer classes this morning and today was my first day back to work after the injury.

Now for the real reason for my post. I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. Mostly about my life and my relationship with Andrew. I have had some jerk ex-boyfriends and have been through my fair share of drama, but I have finally found someone who treats me as I deserve to be treated and would do anything for me. Yes, we have our fights and our arguments just as any couple would, but we always make up. It seems like we cannot go an hour being mad at each other before one of us apologizes and initiates the talking things out. Our motto is "Never go to bed angry with each other". This has proven effective because then neither one of us has a sleepless night wondering what the other is thinking or wondering if the other is extremely upset with the other.

The moral of my post (and what has come out of my thinking) is that no matter what happens between Andrew and I, I plan to work it out as long as he wants to work it out, too. There is a short list of things that would make me leave him without even trying to make things work. We have had a few small rough patches in our relationship, and we have had many rough patches in our 8 years of friendship, but we always managed to get through them and go right back to normal. And the reason for this is because we did it TOGETHER. Anything is possible if you stand by the one you love. Stay strong together as one and don't separate in a time of turmoil. If you are truly in love with someone, no matter how upset that person makes you...you should still turn to them for comfort. Want to know who I go to when Andrew makes me mad or sad? Andrew. No matter how mad I get at him, he is always the one I go to when I need to talk or need a hug. It has always been that way. He has been my best friend for going on 8 years now and he still remains my best friend.

Well, now that I have gotten all emotional I am going to end this with one of my favorite phrases and tear-filled eyes. Forever My Superman babe. I love you.

Ash

Surgical Surprise

So, as said in my last post, I injured my knee. After visiting the orthopedic surgeon this past Friday, I found out that I will need surgery on my knee! :( The surgery will be July 18, early in the morning. They are going to sever the ligaments on the outside of my knee and tighten the ones in the inside to prevent my kneecap from dislocating again. They are also realigning my shinbone by moving my patellar tendon into the right spot and holding my bone in place with screws. I am super scared, but not even really for the surgery part. The part that freaks me out the most is that it will be the first time in the 3 years I have had diabetes that I will not be in control of my diabetes and blood sugar. I have to rely on the doctors to take good care of my sugar while under the anesthesia. The thought of that freaks me out like no other.

But as always Andrew has made me feel more confident. He has promised to be there before I go into surgery, waiting in the waiting room while it is going on, be there next to me as soon as I wake up, and be there all day after I go home with me. God love good boyfriends! :)  Anyways, if anyone out there has any advice or success stories about surgery and diabetes I would love for you to share!

Ash

Teeter-Totter Fallout

So, as some of you may know, last Saturday the 11th I was at my campground and I fell off of a teeter totter and injured my knee. I popped my knee cap out. My boyfriend carried me to my camper and fell himself in a hole in our deck! BUT he didn't even drop me or let my leg hit the ground or camper. That's a night in shining armor. He is okay, just a few scrapes that he says doesn't hurt. I spent a few hours in the hospital and they told me nothing was broken or fractured, but I cannot find out if anything is torn until I get an MRI. I have an appointment with my orthopedic surgeon on Friday, so we will see. I am in a big brace and on crutches as of right now. I am off work, too. All I can do is sit around. My lovely boyfriend has done his best to keep my company :) Thank God for him. Well, I am off to finish watching my movie. I will probably be writing a lot during the next couple weeks.

Ash

TEACH Me To Inform

As some of you know I want to be a teacher. I am currently in school studying Early Childhood Education. My goal is to teach second grade. Something I have thought a lot about is, how do I explain to my students about my diabetes? I will have an insulin pump on my hip every day and may have low blood sugars or other symptoms during class time in which I would have to pause class. What do I say? Once again this is a really short post, but I was just wondering if anyone out there had any suggestions? It is a hard subject to explain to young children and I want to do it efficiently when I have my own classroom.

Goodnight,  Ash
Ps. Today is 8 months for my wonderful boyfriend and I...and many more to come :) Love you babe.

Fear of the Unknown

This is going to be a short post because I am not exactly feeling up to par. Hence the reason I am writing this blog. I am having an issue right now that I have only experienced once before, and that was during the honeymoon stage of my diabetes. I have had three low blood sugars today. I went out to dinner with my boyfriend's family (which was really good!) and I took the appropriate insulin for my food. I even calculated a bit under because I was unsure and didn't want to go low again. Then Andrew and I went and got ice cream before returning to his house. I checked my sugar at his house...112. Not bad! When I got home I started feeling funny so I checked again...98. Still okay, then I realized I FORGOT TO TAKE INSULIN FOR MY ICE CREAM! How the heck is my sugar so low. It should be nearly 400. The only other time I have experienced a reaction like this is on my honeymoon period. Can you have two honeymoon periods? I have never heard of that before. Anyways, I am freaked out. I have no idea what is going on with my body. I am actually scared to sleep because I don't want to go low in the middle of the night. What do I do? I know I am usually the one packing my blogs with information for you guys, but if any of you know anything about what could possibly be happening or if you have experienced this before...please let me know in some way!

Ash

Lauren's Hope

I know I already blogged today, but I just wanted to touch on another important subject to diabetics (along with other medical conditions). MEDICAL ID JEWELRY. It is very important to have some sort of identification on you if you have a serious medical condition. My medical bracelet broke a little while ago and I need to get another one, so I went on this AWESOME website Lauren's Hope. They have medical jewelry, cards, even pet jewelry for medical reasons. Please check it out! Lauren's Hope :) You won't regret it.

Baby Fever

Has anyone ever noticed that couples want kids so much, but don't realize the amount of work that goes into having children until they actually do? That really has nothing to do with the point of this blog...just throwing that out there. As said in my previous post, I want to marry my sweetie Andrew and we will be getting married when I complete my schooling. To go along with this, I do want to have children with him (after marriage, duh!). We, in fact, want numerous children. However, something worries me about that scenario and no it is not parenting. I have no doubt in my mind that Andrew will be an amazing father. It is diabetes. Diabetes can cause many complications with pregnancy, for both the mother and the child.


Before getting pregnant, a diabetic must complete multiple medical tests to make sure their health is prepared for the extra weight (no pun intended) of a pregnancy. Some of these needed tests include a urinalysis to check kidney function, cholesterol and triglyceride tests, and eye exams. A good, healthy blood sugar level must be maintained, as well.

As mentioned before, preexisting diabetes can take affect on the baby. A common problem is Macrosomia, which is enlarged body. This means high birth weight and larger size at birth. This happens when the child receives too much sugar through the placenta. The extra sugar is converted to fat, resulting in a larger baby. Another complication can occur when the mother has too much sugar in her blood throughout pregnancy. The child can be born with dangerously low blood sugar. This happens because when the child is receiving extra sugar through the placenta, it's pancreas makes increased amounts of insulin. When delivered, the child is no longer receiving that extra sugar and the insulin levels drop their blood sugar. Another issue is mineral imbalances such as calcium and magnesium. This can be replaced by medication.

As for the mother during diabetes, there are changes, as well. You will most generally require more insulin, especially during the last three months of pregnancy. This can be due to many things, such as eating more food, stress on the body, as well as hormone imbalances. You must change your diet to meet both the needs of your diabetic self and your unborn child. Another difference between non-diabetic pregnancies and diabetic pregnancies is that healthcare providers plan for early delivery. Most diabetic mothers can carry to term, but there is an increased chance of early delivery.

The one thing that worries me that I haven't found much information on during my research is blood sugar control during delivery. I have found that you may be taken off your pump (if you are on one) and given shots during delivery, but I have not found if insulin levels go up or down during delivery. That worries me that I will be working so hard to deliver the baby that my blood sugar will drop without me (or anyone) knowing and I will pass out or something. However, doctors have dealt with diabetic mothers before, so they will know what to do. I just have to let go, and let God I guess.

Ash

Biggest Loser

We all think we need to lose weight. Come on, admit it. You catch yourself staring in the mirror sometimes wondering if you have it in you to lose those few extra pounds you want gone for summer. There are HEALTHY ways to get rid of that excess weight, but being diabetic makes that a little bit tougher. With diabetes, exercise is difficult in many ways. You must stick to a strict eating habit before and after workouts, you must continually check your sugar throughout your workout, and you must keep hydrated with non-carb, as well as carb, drinks. Working out, or any physical activity at that, can impact blood sugar readings. The increase of physical work can drive your sugar lower than normal. While working out, because of the adrenaline and other hormones pumping through your body, it is difficult to sense low blood sugars. This is why it is important to regularly monitor your sugar. However, with proper care, strict diet, and regular exercise, it is very possible to lose that extra weight, shape up, or simply stay in shape with diabetes.

I know this is a short post, but I just wanted to touch on the importance of diabetes care while working out. Good luck in your workout adventures and be sure to take care of yourself.
-Ash

I Hear Wedding Bells

For those of you who have the pleasure of knowing myself or my boyfriend, you will know that we are pretty serious. In fact, we have already talked about moving in together, getting engaged, getting married, having kids,etc. We want the whole life together. Anyways, a big thing that has been on my mind since diagnosis was my wedding day. There is so much that can go wrong with a wedding, and throwing diabetes into the mix just adds more stress. I have two main concerns when it comes to my wedding day concerning diabetes.

Concern #1: What if I'm having a bad diabetes day? Every diabetic knows that there are some good days and some bad days. I am scared out of my mind that on my wedding day I am going to have out of control blood sugars, bad pump site, or other diabetic issues. I am also petrified that as I am at the altar with Andrew, my sugar will go low and I will have to stop to drink juice. HOW EMBARRASSING! However, I know if something of the sort did happen, Andrew would understand and would shrug it off like nothing happened.

Concern #2: Where to put my insulin pump? Well, let's just say I have been doing a lot of thinking and I will be having pockets on my wedding dress. I am not dealing with leg straps and I am most certainly not going off my pump for a day. Bad experiences last time I did that with prom.

Anyways, some of my fears have been worked out. I still fear that dreaded low at the altar, but hey...life goes on.

-Ash

WORK WORK WORK

I know it has been like forever since I have posted, but I have just been really busy. So, I figured I would take my few free moments to blog and update you on what has been going on in my life. I have had some major breakthroughs in my life and have had some exciting news as well. Topics of discussion: diabetes (of course), my boyfriend, new job opportunities/current work, volunteer work, moving home, college, and I'm sure I will think of more. So let's begin.

Diabetes. My diabetes has been wonderful! I have had more frequent lows, but I am willing to pay that price because my sugar levels have been awesome! They have been mid-100s and below the majority of the time. It is a mix of the effort on my part and the support from my wonderful boyfriend. Which brings me to topic number two.

Andrew. Andrew and I have been through a lot since May 3 (my last post), but ultimately it has brought us closer together and even happier. We both aren't stressed about issues between us and we can simply be in love now. I want to take this time to make everyone aware that this is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. I will do anything for him and I know he would do the same for me. He has some exciting news as do i, which brings me to the next topic.

Work. Andrew has decided he wants to be a firefighter, which I think is awesome. It is a very rewarding profession both financially and emotionally. So, we have been spending time studying for the test and he has been working out and stuff. As for me, I have two possible new job opportunities for next semester. One is a teaching assistant position for the AIDS class I took last semester and the other is a position in the childrens portion of the library on campus. I will continue working at the candy store, but that would make THREE jobs and lots of income which is what I need. As for the candy store, my boss is working me close to full time which is also helping out with expenses I have this summer.

Volunteer. Also in my spare time I have been volunteering for my mom's school. I work with the 2nd graders in their classroom, perform office duties, and basically do what people need me to do. Just trying to get ahead with some experience before my student teaching.

Home. I have moved home from college for the summer. It was rough packing everything up and moving it here and to be completely honest I still have not finished unpacking. It is just such a gross task! Anyways, this lets me spend more time with Andrew which we both like, but I have also learned it makes me not eat as much! Haha. But we have to do it all over again in August because my roommate and I got an apartment.

College. My exams went fairly well and I finished my classes with pretty good grades. One A, four Bs, and one C. I am taking two online courses this summer that start June 27. They are Child Development and Intro to Folklore. They should be pretty interesting. I have my courses for next semester all set up as well. I am pretty excited.

Coaching. I told you I would find another topic! I am a volleyball coach for 5th grade at St. Als in Bowling Green. Myself and the other coach, Taylor, will be beginning this in August. I am pretty excited about this because I have always wanted to coach volleyball. I miss it so much.


Well, I am off to go wedding dress shopping. No I am not getting married...yet. Andrew's sister is getting married in November and she has asked me to be in the wedding. Therefore, I must find a dress and everyone is going tonight to look. Happy blogging.

Ash

Fun Exercise Re-Post

I know most people won't do this, but it is worth a try. And if you actually complete all of these steps, it would seriously make my day!
1. Go to gmail.com and make a gmail account if you have not already.
2. Come back to my blog homepage and click "follow" if you have not already.
3. Make a blogger account (even if you are not going to blog), so that you can leave comments (because my activity requires that).
4. Open this link and scroll down to where it says Additional Resources and click on Diabetes Simulator
5. Complete this project for a full day (or even a half a day if you can't take a whole day)
6. When you are done, come back to this blog post and leave a comment telling me you did it and what your reactions to this are

I know you are not required to do this, and it goes out of your way, but please try this for me. If you don't want to do the whole project, at least read what the link has to say. Thanks guys!

Camping, Exams, and Moving Out

This is going to be a really short post. I just wanted to bring you up to date on what's going on and why I haven't blogged in a while. First of all, next week is exam week, so I have been studying hardcore for finals. Second, I have to start packing because I have to move out of my dorm by the end of the week. Third, camping has BEGUN! More to come...

-Ash

Dear Diabetic...

Okay so I took a poll of how many of you had ever had a penpal and the results surprised me. There were more of you that said YES than no. I had never had a penpal until I was diagnosed with diabetes almost three years ago. When I was diagnosed, I didn't know anyone who had type 1 diabetes and I felt completely alone. However, my eyes were opened to the wonderful resources provided by Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation. There is a "kids" page where you can be matched up with penpals from all over the world that have diabetes or live with someone with diabetes.

I am happy to say that this program is what got me through my first year with diabetes. It was hard going through all of these changes with no one around me that understood what it felt like. These people became my best friends that year. I even had one steady penpal from Australia! It is all done safely through the website so that no personal information is given out unless you choose to do so. Once I got to know these people better, I gave them my e-mail address so it was easier to contact each other. I know he probably doesn't remember me, but Brendan (from Australia) was like my diabetic hero when I was first diagnosed. He helped me with so much just by giving me information and telling personal stories. I suddenly felt like I wasn't alone anymore.

I know many people may think that having a penpal is weird, but in reality it is a wonderful thing. To be able to communicate with someone based purely on the letters is a gift. There is no judgment, because these people cannot see what you look like or how you talk or dress...they only know how you write. It is completely unbiased opinion and advice, which is also another amazing thing. It is almost like they are blindfolded while forming an opinion about you. I didn't base every conversation with these people on diabetes. We talked about everything...including significant others, schoolwork, sports, hobbies...anything you can think of.

I sort of fell apart from the penpal system after that first year, but I am trying to get back into it. Maybe now that I am more educated and more comfortable with my diabetes, I can help someone else in the way that Brendan (and so many others) helped me. I guess the reason that penpals have become less dominant in my life is because of the support system I have developed within my friends and family. They have all done their best to learn about diabetes and what I go through, so they are more knowledgeable and can help me if I need it. Some people have even done their own research and come to me with questions. I love this because it shows they really care and want to understand my situation.

I'm going to end this with a fun little exercise. I know most people won't do this, but it is worth a try. And if you actually complete all of these steps, it would seriously make my day!
1. Go to gmail.com and make a gmail account if you have not already.
2. Come back to my blog homepage and click "follow" if you have not already.
3. Make a blogger account (even if you are not going to blog), so that you can leave comments (because my activity requires that).
4. Open this link and scroll down to where it says Additional Resources and click on Diabetes Simulator
5. Complete this project for a full day (or even a half a day if you can't take a whole day)
6. When you are done, come back to this blog post and leave a comment telling me you did it and what your reactions to this are

I know you are not required to do this, and it goes out of your way, but please try this for me. If you don't want to do the whole project, at least read what the link has to say. Thanks guys!

-Ash

I'm NOT a Druggie!

One of the worst things about diabetes is the stares. Like I mean come on...lay off. I understand that it is not normal for someone to have a tube sticking out of them or to inject themselves with something in public. Which is why I understand quick glances. But every diabetic comes in contact with that one person who just stares...and stares...and continues to stare until you either say something or leave...or they lose interest. Don't be rude people. I would so much rather a person come up to me and actually ask what I am doing or what my situation is, rather than stare blankly at my stomach or whatever I am doing. I like to educate. I do not like to get snappy, but sometimes I can't hold back. People can just be so rude.

For example, about six months after I was diagnosed, a friend and I were hanging out and we went to McDonalds. We were sitting in the McDonalds, about to eat our food, when I started with my diabetic routine that is performed before each meal. I quickly checked my sugar. At the time I was still on shots, so I pulled out my insulin pen and began to dial my units. When I pulled the cap of the needle off and proceeded to find a good site for an injection, I noticed a lady sitting two tables away blatantly staring at me. I was used to this so I proceeded to stab the needle into my side. By this time I noticed the lady still rudely staring at me, so I announced across the room..."Would you like me to come closer so you can see better?". Embarrassed, she got up with her food and left the McDonalds. Now, I don't like being confrontational like that, but enough is enough. Moral of the story...don't continue to stare.

Now that I have my insulin pump, I don't have the stares when injecting myself. However, when I have to change my insulin in public...I get the stares as if I am some drug user. I stick the needle in the vile, turn it upside down, draw the insulin out...this is the part that people say reminds them of druggies...then I proceed to flick the syringe to make sure the air is out. I get SO many stares when I do this. Sometimes I want to scream out, "I'm not a drug user. I mean come on would I really just whip it out in class and shoot up?!" Ugh...some people just frustrate me.

Well that is the end of my venting.
Goodnight.
-Ash

Soak up the Sun

This post is going to focus on the fast-coming season of summer! Although there are many amazing things about summer and it is my favorite season, there are many issues with diabetics (me in particular) that go along with summer. First issue is heat! The heat really plays with my physical feelings. Normally, I can sense when my blood sugar is low or high...but during the summer it is hard. When it gets really hot, for some reason I feel funny all the time! I can't even sense lows.

The second problem is swimming. With an insulin pump, swimming is difficult. Many insulin pumps are waterproof, but I mean come on...who wants to have a device hanging off their bikini? Mine can be submerged under 8 feet of water for 24 hours straight, but there is just something about putting a piece of technology under water that freaks me out. Not only do I fear it will stop working, but also I don't want to have it fall off my bathing suit and rip out while swimming. So, I have to take it off and then get out of the water every hour to check my sugar. If it is high, I take insulin and either wait for a while or go back in.

The third, and most annoying problem is tan lines. I hate the tan lines that come with wearing an insulin pump. Unless I take out my site every time I tan (which would be way too much work), I get a nasty white circle tan line where my site was at the time I was tanning. So, throughout summer I am polka dotted. Those who I am comfortable enough to talk about this with say it just makes me special. I guess in a way I am self conscious about this, but oh well. It's a part of me. Take it or leave it.

So, that ends my summer trouble blog.
Good night
-Ash

Looking Good

This is going to be an EXTREMELY short post because I am exhausted and have to get up early for work. Things are looking up. First, I got the financial aid needed for my summer classes. Second, I got a wayyyyy better grade on my exam than I thought I was going to get. I got a coaching position for a fifth grade team, which is my dream. And my sugars have been amazing! Like no higher than 157 :) alot better than usual. I'm happy.

Oh and my boyfriend...yeah hes pretty much the best.

Goodnight
-Ash

It's A Love-Hate Relationship

Diabetes...sometimes you love it, sometimes you hate it. For example, I love it when I could use it to eat in class or because it has changed me as a person significantly. And I mean that for the better. I have become a stronger and more driven person because of it. However, sometimes you hate it. Like right now for example. My sugar has been running a little high all day today, but sometimes I have off days, so I didn't think much of it. I went to McDonalds with my roommate at 10:30pm and took insulin for everything I ate. We walked around campus for a while taking pictures, trying to study for our exam, and just being silly girls. It was cold so I couldn't notice any symptoms of blood sugar issues. However, when I got back to my dorm and warmed up a little, I began feeling dizzy, nauseous, and just like crap. So, I proceeded to check my sugar to find a reading of 529. I typed in the number to my pump and it told me I was missing nearly six units of insulin! No wonder I am feeling terrible.

So, now is where the extreme hate of diabetes comes in. The fear. I am now afraid to go to sleep because I do not know what will happen during the night. I don't even lay down or put myself in a position where I could fall asleep until my sugar hits at least the 200 area. I hate this feeling. Not only do I hate the feeling of the symptoms, but I hate the fear of my own body as well. This begins my (most likely) two hour forced sleep deprivation stakeout. Luckily in about half an hour my amazing boyfriend will be up for work and I can talk to him. He always calms me down. Its nights like these that I wish he was here to hold me in his arms and tell me everything will be okay, or stay up all night watching me sleep and making me wake up and check my sugar every once in a while just so nothing goes wrong. Oh the things he does for me. I love him...couldn't live without him.

Ugh, the whole situation just frustrates me because I know I will be sooooo super tired tomorrow just because of my stupid diabetes. Well, I am going to play games online or watch a movie or something to keep myself awake. Wish me luck all. Goodnight
-Ash

Handicapable!

A lot of people feel that diabetes is a handicap or disability. It is a disability in a way, but I do not consider it a handicap. When I think of handicap status, I think of the little blue tag to hang in your car window, close parking spots, and a lot more struggle in daily life than I have. I do NOT need a handicap sticker for parking (despite what my boyfriend may think lol). But we are set back in ways such as missing school because of sugar jumps or symptoms of a diabetic attack. In terms of psychologically having to deal with taking care of yourself.

Nevertheless, it does not bring us down! We live our lives to the fullest we can. I know I have let diabetes bring me down in the past, but I am working on the future now. I have a bright future planned for myself and nothing is going to stand in my way.

 I know this was a short blog, but I need to eat dinner and do my homework. Send me some ideas for blog topics!

-Ash

I'm Late, I'm Late...For a Very Important Date

endocrinologist meeting

Being in college is stressful and time consuming. I'm sure there are some of you reading this that are either in college or have completed some college. Being diabetic is scary at times, a lot of work, and also time consuming. It is recommended that us diabetics see our endocrinologist (diabetes doctor) every three months. Between classes, work, and the short hours at my endocrinologist, it has been nearly impossible to get an appointment. It has been almost six months since I have been to see him. Now, it is not that I don't want to go, just that it is so hard to find time.

For those of you who know me well, you would know that as of right now I do not drive (will soon!), so it makes it even harder to see my endocrinologist. I have to find a time when my parents can pick me up from college and bring me in town, all before they close...which is too early, in my opinion. With that said, it brings me to the concerns.

Making adjustments every six months is not a good plan for someone with diabetes. Our bodies change so often that we need those three month appointments to correct the problems in our diabetes care plan. I can admit that I have let myself go a bit when it comes to my diabetes care since I have started college. It just is one more thing added to the stress of being a college student. It hurts me to see the look in my boyfriend's eyes when I tell him I wasn't taking care of myself as I should...and that is why I am going to do the best of my ability to change that!

School is ending for this year in about a month, and I am getting in to see my endocrinologist right away. I am going to make the changes needed and I hope to keep it up. I just need the love and support of my family and friends. Let's get my A1C down and get me healthier!

Goodnight
-Ash

Airport Security Matters

In the poll I conducted on my blog page, most of you said you have never been patted down in an airport. Lucky for you. I have only been on an airplane trip once and I was patted down both times I got on the plane. Diabetics have it hard when it comes to traveling. I understand why they have to take the precautions, but it feels like they think we have some ulterior motive to wearing an insulin pump. Want to know my motive? Staying alive.

You, first, must take off your shoes and all that (like everyone else), but then must empty your supplies from your carry on. Then you must go through the scanner, then it beeps. Of course...because you're wearing a freakin insulin pump! I told you that BEFORE you made me walk through it, so why wouldn't it beep. Now everyone is staring at you because you set off the alarm. You then get the choice whether to go to a private room or be patted down in public. Why waste the time of going in private...just do it. So they pat you down for about three minutes. Then they must proceed to check your body, insulin pump, and hands with the wand thing to make sure there are no other chemicals in it or on you. Sorry I need insulin to live.

I understand why it must be done, just is a little frustrating and makes traveling a little more complicated. I even carry a note from my doctor stating I am diabetic just in case anyone gives me any trouble. Usually they are pretty understanding. I am done ranting about airport security and insulin now.

Goodnight.
-Ash

Trying New Things

Sometimes you "normal" people just need to realize that us diabetics are scared to try new things. I, for example, am scared to do things in which I would not be able to tell what my blood sugar is such as drink, which you shouldn't do anyways, or go skydiving, cause I mean who's gonna check their sugar while falling out of a plane. But the one thing that I am afraid to do that I deal with on a day to day basis is try new food because if I don't like it then I either have to deal with it and shove it down my throat cause I need the carbs or order something new. It's a pain. And people don't understand what it feels like to NEED a certain amount of food or just be able to just push it aside if you don't like it.

I just had a fight with my dad where he was screaming at me for never trying new food and eating only the things I like. Well sorry dad. Try being diabetic for a day and you'll see what I mean. Usually my dad is pretty understanding, but sometimes he can just make me mad. I mean be a little understanding. It's also hard because if you are unsure of the carb amount, you don't know how much insulin to take! That's another reason I stick to my favorites because I know the information.

To all of you out there who don't like my eating habits. I'm sorry you don't like it, but I don't forsee it changing anytime soon...unless of course you would like to give me a fund for all of the second meals I may have to buy due to not liking the first I chose that was "out of my comfort zone".

-Ash

It's like I'm a DIABETIC in a Candy Store :)

our store

As some of you may know, I work in a candy store. It is a pink, castle looking store. :) It is an awesome job and I love it. I cannot tell you how many times a day I hear, "It's like I'm a kid in a candy store". And every time people think they are the first one to say it! I just nod my head and say "yeah!". It's cute. I love seeing all the different people who come in. People come from everywhere to get candy. Sometimes they are just visiting Toledo and see the shop, or sometimes they drive all the way here to get candy from us! We have had people from just around the block to all the way from France! It is awesome to see the older people come in and find the candy they had when they were kids. They get so excited. And it is also cool to see the younger kids come in with their parents or grandparents and make memories of going to the candy shop!

one aisle in our store

Another thing I hear a lot, (to tie this blog into diabetes) is "How do you stay so thin and work in a candy store?" I simply reply, "I am type 1 diabetic". Because if not for my diabetes, I would probably weigh 500lbs and be on bed rest. Being surrounded with candy is so hard to control yourself, but diabetes helps. When people question further, I reply by saying being type 1 diabetic has taught me portion control. Also, knowing that I cannot have a lot of sugar helps me not eat candy while in the store. Last, but not least, is the fact that I have been working there for a year, so candy is sort of just another thing to me now. I don't care. I've been around it for so long that I am not candy crazed anymore.

People tell me that the store smells like candy, and that I smell like candy, but I guess I just don't smell it anymore. Hmmppfff...natural perfume?...to overtake the smell of hospital from the insulin? (more on that in another blog). I'm off to go out to eat for a family gathering. Eating out can be complicated, too. Maybe I'll tell you about that another time. Have a good day, night, morning...whatever it is for you! Peace out.

-Ash

HELP WANTED!

Okay so this post is going to be VERY short! I need your help. I am doing a project and I am basing it off of those "10 reasons to date a volleyball player" or "10 reasons to date a dancer" things that say things like "good with their hands" and stupid stuff like that.

I am switching it up and I need the 10 reasons to date a type 1 diabetic!!! It has to be family friendly. Please give me some good reasons!!!! Leave comments!

Goodnight
-Ash

Psychology: Good or Evil?

Many of you said that you would go see a psychologist if it would help or that you had no opinion on the matter in the poll about psychologists. I am here to say that psychologists are really not that bad! There are a lot of people who refuse to go. Believe me I know. I was one of those people. My parents wanted to send me to a psychologist for my diabetes when I was first diagnosed. I did everything but throw a temper tantrum in rebuttal to the idea. However, after going one time...I realized that it really wasn't that bad. I never returned for many reasons, but one of those reasons was not that it didn't help or I didn't like it.

Moral of the story: don't knock it before you try it. Sorry this was such a short post. I'm running low on time today. Lots of homework.

Goodnight.
-Ash

Scholarship Searching = Pain

So, after many nights of scholarship searching I have decided that there are not enough scholarships out there for white women who's parents are not making a very little amount of money. As a result, my roommate and I have been forced to enter scholarship contests. We entered one that required us to write an essay and have people vote. The person with the most votes wins a scholarship.

Please vote for us:
my entry
harley's entry

You can vote numerous times a day! You would be doing us a huge favor.
Goodnight.
-Ash

Show Me How You Burlesque

Okay so I know my last post was mostly non-diabetic, but I need another break. I have had a rough couple days and I need some happy in my day! SO, on that note I will be talking about Burlesque, my new favorite movie. I could probably recite the entire thing if prompted. Christina Aguilera and Cher are a great pair in this movie. It is so amazing to hear these awesome voices throughout the film. I am going to talk about my three favorite songs of the movie. But I promise I'll tie it in to diabetes in the end.

pearl outfit

#3: A Guy Who Takes His Time: Ally, played by Christina Aguilera, is dressed in a costume made of nothing but pearls. So awesome! The music is funny and the choreography is awesome! The song is about a girl who simply wants to meet a guy who's "arriving in low" and "takes his time".






#2: You Haven't Seen The Last Of Me: Tess, played by Cher, sings this amazing song standing all alone on a stage...just her, a chair, and the music. It is so inspirational. Every time I feel like I have failed or am heading downward, I listen to this song. The lyrics, "I've been brought down to my knees and I've been pushed way past the point of breaking, but I can't take it. I'll be back, back on my feet. This is far from over. You haven't seen the last of me" are awesome! I mean what says "hey everything is going to be okay" more than that!

#1: Bound To You: Ally, played by Christina Aguilera, sings this song in a lime green strapless gown. Gorgeous much?! This song touches me personally because every time I hear it, I think of my amazing boyfriend Andrew. I'm just going to leave you with the lyrics...you'll get it. "I've found a man I can trust and boy I believe in us. I am terrified to love for the first time. Can't you see that I'm bound in chains and finally found my way. I am bound to you". I love you Andrew. Forever and always. Amen ;)



My tie in to diabetes...I wonder how these girls would wear all of these skimpy costumes if they had an insulin pump? I mean there's not really anywhere to hide it in a see-through pearl costume or a little bustier...anyways...I bet they aren't diabetic so it doesn't matter. I guess I'll just have to give up my dream of being a club dancer haha


So, if you haven't seen the movie yet...DO IT! It is filled with sexy dances, awesome costumes, and singing! Oh and a super sexy guy that ends up naked. Go on girls...check it out. Welcome Famous Amos cookies!

Goodnight

-Ash