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Sunday, August 28, 2011

Better Off?

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately and I have come to a few conclusions that I feel like I need to get off my chest. The past month and a half has been really rough for me, but I am doing alright.

Conclusion #1: I am still in love with Andrew and it is going to take quite a bit of time to be completely over him. He was a huge part of my life and I had future plans with him and all of that was ripped away from me. He has become everything I thought he never was and he is nothing like that I believed he could be. Which brings me to my second conclusion.

Conclusion #2: Maybe I am better off. Maybe it is a good thing that he left me. Maybe we were not meant to be. And as it is hard to fully believe these things right now because I do miss him so much, I feel like maybe this is the case. It certainly is a good thing that he didn't go through with his promises and leave me after we were married and had kids. So, what I have decided is maybe there is someone better out there for me. Someone who won't lie to me, someone who will treat me like a princess ALL the time...not just when it is convenient for him. Someone who will make me smile for the smallest reasons. Or maybe I will be alone forever...which brings me to conclusion number three.

Conclusion #3: If I am alone several years down the road and Andrew were to come back to me and say he is sorry and wants me back, I have no idea what I would do. If you would have asked me what I would do a month ago I would've said I would take him back in a heartbeat. But now he has put me through so much and handled things so immaturely that I have a lot of anger towards him. I feel like if I stepped back and assessed the situation and he had his life on truck I would maybe possibly give him another chance and take it slow. But I would definitely not be jumping in with both feet and I would be watching closely. This whole situation makes me sad. Which leads into the next conclusion.

Conclusion #4: Music tends to make me sad. My iTunes playlist consists of songs that either reminded me of Andrew when we were together or reminds me of our situation now. BUT I have found some happy songs. But just throwing it out there that I can barely get through Remind Me by Carrie Underwood without crying. And my last conclusion...

Conclusion #5: I have plenty of reasons to be happy right now! So I am doing okay actually. I have amazing friends and family. I have my own apartment now. I started school again. I start coaching tomorrow. I just have a lot of positive in my life at the moment. A special shout out to some of the friends and family I was talking about earlier...
Harley Rohrbacher: what would I do without you. You are truly my twin/other half/best friend. Living with you is the bestest!
Andy DeNucci: you are my bestfriend, no doubt about that and you are always there when I need you. Love you!
Sarah Boes: sister! I love you! You have been the greatest help of all through everything and I am so lucky to have you in my life.
Nick Schaefer: oh boy what to say about you lol, you have been there for me a lot lately and I can't thank you enough for the talks and taco night and whatnot. You're really a great guy Nicholas. :)
Olivia Young: you gorgeous little girl. You never fail to bring a smile to my face. Aunt Ashley loves you very much and that will never change! Promise :)
Alyssa Baum: sistahcuz! Loves you. You always have something to say to cheer me up. Miss you.

Well that's it.
Goodnight
Ash

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