My Kind of High

Yes, it is 6:45am and yes, I am awake. To explain exactly why I am awake, blood sugar. You should know by now (if you follow my blogs) that I had surgery so I am on pain medication. Well, I woke up at 6:30 to take my medicine and I checked my sugar because I felt a little funny. Sure enough, 506. Yes, my blood sugar is a whopping five-hundred-and-six. And now that I think about it, I have all of the symptoms. Mid-night highs are hard to sense because all of the symptoms have other explanations. Blurry vision, could be because I just woke up. Stomach pain, I often have stomach aches right as I wake up. Nausea, maybe I ate something too close to going to bed. Sweating, it is really hot in here isn't it?

So there we go. That is my kind of high. Such a rush, NOT. I changed my pump site, just in case that was the problem, and took 5.4 units of insulin and my pump instructed me to do. Hopefully, it will come back down soon, because I hate this feeling, the feeling of my kind of high. I am afraid to sleep when it is this high, but I am so tired. So I guess I just have to keep myself busy and awake until it comes down to a comfortable level that I can get some rest. I will update this post later with results of the morning, so be sure to check back to hear the rest of the story.

UPDATES:
7:15am (after half an hour) my sugar is 423 (down 86 points from original)
8:30am (almost 2 hours after) my sugar is 230 (down 276 points from original)
11:00am (about 4 hours after) my sugar is 108 (down 398 points from original)

Well, my sugar is back to normal. It took about 4 hours, some sleep, a few bathroom runs, and a lot of water, but it is back to normal. Oh the life of a diabetic.

Ash

Beautiful Mess

What a beautiful mess I am in. I dream at night of the things I know he can be, that I know we can be. Almost every night I feel the warmth of being in that position again, being in his arms. And then I wake up. And my world comes crashing down. The promises still linger in my head and in my heart, so I wait as patiently as I possibly can. I wonder, I wish, I think, I hope, I pray, I cry, I talk, I scream...I have all of these emotions running through me. I have never been so depressed, sad, upset, frustrated, confused all at the same time. Everyone has their opinions. It's either "everything is going to be okay" or "you will get over this". No one knows. To be honest, no one knows but him. However, I do have this gut feeling that when he is ready to settle down, start his life, and be with someone...he will come back to me. I know he loves me, I can see it in the way he looks at me, I can feel it in his kiss...in his touch. Well, just in case you are reading this, I love you.

Music Can Be A Bad Thing

So, I thought that taking a car ride and listening to music would make me happier. The car ride and change of scenery made me feel better, but the music most certainly did not. When songs like "It Matters To Me" and "Every Light in the House" come on the radio, it just makes me think. So I figured I would post some lyrics that have been running through my head.

IT MATTERS TO ME
When we don't talk
When we don't touch
When it doesn't feel like we're even in love
It matters to me
When I don't know what to say
Don't know what to do
Don't know if it really even matters to you
How can I make you see
It matters to me

EVERY LIGHT IN THE HOUSE
I told you I'd leave a light on
In case you ever wanted to come back home
You smiled and said you appreciate the gesture
I took your every word to heart
'Cause I can't stand us being apart
And just to show how much I really miss ya

Every light in the house is on
The backyard's bright as the crack of dawn
The front walk looks like runway lights
It's kinda like noon in the dead of night
Every light in the house is on
Just in case you ever do get tired of being gone
Every light in the house is on




Well, off to watch Secret Life of the American Teenager and try to sleep. Goodnight.
Ash

Quick Update

I haven't been in the best of moods and haven't felt like blogging very much, but I figured I would give you all a quick update on my life. Things are still unsolved with Andrew, just patiently waiting. My knee has gotten better. I took the bandages off and cleaned it up and have been having less and less pain. I am putting weight on my leg when walking with crutches and have significantly cut back my pain medicine. Along with all of the positive, comes the negative. I am SO terribly bored sitting in my bedroom all day every day. Netflix, Yahtzee, Rummy, word games, and Color By Number have kept me sane...along with all of my friends and family. My visitors have been wonderful. Special thanks to a few extra-special friends who made my days go by easier:

Matt Glover: Thank you for that wonderful candy basket courtesy of the store. It has brought a little flavor to my boring life! Thanks, also, for sitting with me while my mom ran errands and keeping me company :)

Paris Hall: Thanks for the visit after work and the pop! It was awesome to have a little change on the menu of drinks haha.

Harley Rohrbacher: Girl, you are the best. You are my best friend and your visits have cheered me up soooo much. Playing Yahtzee and talking was great. Can't wait for our girls night. We are getting an apartment in like a couple weeks! Ahhh. So exciting. You are the best and you know me better than I know myself sometimes. We are practically the same person. Love you girl.

Andy DeNucci: Oh boy, what to say about you. You are seriously one of the best friends a girl could ask for. You know how to treat your girl friends and you know just what to say to make me feel better. You came home from vacation and the first chance you got, you were at my house visiting me. You are my best friend and I am sure there will be many more visits to come...and we can finish that elephant movie haha. Love you bestfrienddd.

My mom and dad have also been so helpful through this whole process. I can't thank all of you enough. Love you all.

Ash

Troubles

This post is going to be very short. I am at a point in my life right now where I am not happy. I am having a few issues with my life. First of all, things are complicated with Andrew. In case you are reading this Andrew, you are the love of my life. I want to spend forever with you and I don't care when that begins, but please come back to me like you promised. Take your time to be who you want to be and get your life on track, but come back to me. I will be waiting...impatiently, but waiting. And in the meantime I hope you will still be my best friend. You are the perfect man for me. I believe in the man you want to be and the man I know you can be. You are my rock, my best friend, and I cannot thank you enough for the past seven years. Please don't let it end. Second, I just had major knee surgery. They did a medial strengthen (meaning they tightened the ligaments on the inside of my knee cap), a lateral release (meaning they severed the ligaments on the outside of my knee cap), split my shin bone, and a patellar realignment (meaning they moved my patellar tendon to the middle of my shin where it should be). I am in a lot of pain and I am on heavy pain medicine, which is why I am making this post short. My words start jumbling when I take my medicine because it makes me tired. I am hoping to cut my pain meds down tomorrow because the pain has decreased a tiny bit. I am also taking the bandages off of my knee tomorrow hopefully.

To wrap this up, my life is at a stand still right now for the most part. I am bored, confused, sad, in pain, hurt, dazed, anxious, and so many more emotions. Part of me feels happy sometimes because I am keeping busy to keep my mind off of things, but when I get bored I start thinking and things cross my mind that make me sad again. I hope things get better soon. For those of you who know me personally, I welcome visitors whenever because it sucks being stuck in your bed with nothing to do.

Goodnight
Ash

Who Ever Said Change Was A Good Thing?

Who ever said change was a good thing, was wrong! Well at least that is how I feel right now. So I know it has been a while since I have blogged, but here it is 11:45pm and I am awake because of...what other than...my diabetes. I had an appointment with my endocrinologist yesterday and we made some major changes to my insulin plan. Throughout the day today, my blood sugar readings were good and I was excited to see that things were going well. Then 8pm rolled around. I had eaten dinner with my boyfriend and his dad and a half hour later my sugar was 51! When I checked my pump it said that despite my bad low, I had 11 units of insulin in my system still working on bringing my blood sugar down even farther! Of course I panicked...but I called my doctor and got things straightened out. Andrew helped me through it and I started feeling a little better by the time he dropped me off at home.

NOW! Three hours later, my blood sugar is 400. I JUST CANT MAKE DIABETES HAPPY. I am unbelievably frustrated and I can tell this is going to be a reallyyyy long night :( But instead of crying and being sad, I am going to tell you my exciting diabetes news. My A1C was 10.9% last appointment. (Yes I know really bad). Yesterday at the doctor I found out it is now 8.8%! That is a whole 2.1% decrease!!! HOORAY! :)

Now I am going to curl up with a warm blanket, a shirt that smells like Andrew, and a nice movie and attempt to get some rest...or at least calm down a little and let the insulin do its job. Goodnight all.

Ash