You Haven't Seen The Last Of Me

Hey guys! Wow, it has been a month since I have posted!! My life has been very very hectic. But I am back. You haven't seen the last of me! (Love that song in Burlesque). Anyways, as for what has been up in my life. I am back to school obviously and have sooooo much work to do for classes. I am wrapping up the season of coaching 5th grade volleyball. The girls did SOOO awesome. We are second in the league as of right now, but we have two more regular season games and then tournaments! We also get to coach them as 6th graders next year! Life is going really well right now. Yes, I have my relapses of being down and thinking of the past....but I am okay. I have great friends and I am having the time of my life. :)

Now I am going to move on to my topic for this blog post. Domestic violence. I am just going to vent about my feelings because I got into a debate with someone about this earlier. Domestic violence is the most cowardly thing that can be done. This goes both way, a man abusing a woman or a woman abusing a man. However, I feel it is even more cowardly when a man abuses a woman because most women are weaker than the men in their lives. Speaking to men who abuse: What part of your brain says it is okay to lay a hand on a woman? What says it is a good idea to degrade her, put her down, and make her feel worthless? Why do you have to hurt the ones around you just to feel better about yourself?

In my opinion it is because you feel inadequate. There are many reasons for this, but I am not going to list them all. However, I think the excuse "I was abused as a child" is the dumbest cop out ever. Yes, it is proven that if a child is abused they will be more likely to grow up and become an abuser. But, wouldn't you NOT want to put someone else through what you went through. Does not make sense to me. Seriously grow a pair and have some decency. As for women who abuse their significant other, really girls? We claim to be sensitive and innocent and look at the name you are making for us. I mean seriously people, just stop already.

Better Off?

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately and I have come to a few conclusions that I feel like I need to get off my chest. The past month and a half has been really rough for me, but I am doing alright.

Conclusion #1: I am still in love with Andrew and it is going to take quite a bit of time to be completely over him. He was a huge part of my life and I had future plans with him and all of that was ripped away from me. He has become everything I thought he never was and he is nothing like that I believed he could be. Which brings me to my second conclusion.

Conclusion #2: Maybe I am better off. Maybe it is a good thing that he left me. Maybe we were not meant to be. And as it is hard to fully believe these things right now because I do miss him so much, I feel like maybe this is the case. It certainly is a good thing that he didn't go through with his promises and leave me after we were married and had kids. So, what I have decided is maybe there is someone better out there for me. Someone who won't lie to me, someone who will treat me like a princess ALL the time...not just when it is convenient for him. Someone who will make me smile for the smallest reasons. Or maybe I will be alone forever...which brings me to conclusion number three.

Conclusion #3: If I am alone several years down the road and Andrew were to come back to me and say he is sorry and wants me back, I have no idea what I would do. If you would have asked me what I would do a month ago I would've said I would take him back in a heartbeat. But now he has put me through so much and handled things so immaturely that I have a lot of anger towards him. I feel like if I stepped back and assessed the situation and he had his life on truck I would maybe possibly give him another chance and take it slow. But I would definitely not be jumping in with both feet and I would be watching closely. This whole situation makes me sad. Which leads into the next conclusion.

Conclusion #4: Music tends to make me sad. My iTunes playlist consists of songs that either reminded me of Andrew when we were together or reminds me of our situation now. BUT I have found some happy songs. But just throwing it out there that I can barely get through Remind Me by Carrie Underwood without crying. And my last conclusion...

Conclusion #5: I have plenty of reasons to be happy right now! So I am doing okay actually. I have amazing friends and family. I have my own apartment now. I started school again. I start coaching tomorrow. I just have a lot of positive in my life at the moment. A special shout out to some of the friends and family I was talking about earlier...
Harley Rohrbacher: what would I do without you. You are truly my twin/other half/best friend. Living with you is the bestest!
Andy DeNucci: you are my bestfriend, no doubt about that and you are always there when I need you. Love you!
Sarah Boes: sister! I love you! You have been the greatest help of all through everything and I am so lucky to have you in my life.
Nick Schaefer: oh boy what to say about you lol, you have been there for me a lot lately and I can't thank you enough for the talks and taco night and whatnot. You're really a great guy Nicholas. :)
Olivia Young: you gorgeous little girl. You never fail to bring a smile to my face. Aunt Ashley loves you very much and that will never change! Promise :)
Alyssa Baum: sistahcuz! Loves you. You always have something to say to cheer me up. Miss you.

Well that's it.
Goodnight
Ash

Long Time No See

Wow! I totally did not realize how long it had been since I had blogged. I have been writing a lot, but for some reason I haven't been writing on here! Anyways, I have had so much going on in my life lately. First of all, Andrew broke up with me...so I am a single lady now. Second, I moved into my new apartment! I absolutely love it. Having my own place and living with my awesome roommate Harley is amazing. Third, I have been going through physical therapy and trying to regain strength and motion in my knee. I am off crutches and walking with just the brace unlocked to 40 degrees. I have bent my knee a total of 80 degrees, but that took a little pushing. I still have practically no muscle power though :(. Fourth, school has started! I like most of my classes, but walking to class with this whole leg brace thing is a pain in my behind. Let's just say the bus has become my best friend. Lastly, volleyball is beginning. I am the head coach for a 5th grade volleyball team! I am so excited to start the season. The reason I am blogging at 7:45am is because I am awake waiting to leave for my coaches training. It sucks because it is from 9am-1:30pm and most of the stuff I know already because I reffed for 4 years. Oh well. Practices start Monday. I am so excited!

I have been having A LOT of low blood sugars. Seems like I wake up every morning between 2-7am with a blood sugar under 70. Luckily, my doctor made some changes yesterday and I did NOT wake up last night! HOORAY! Diabetes sucks. I guess I am just having one of those months where I am like screw this, I don't want to do this anymore. I have COMPLETELY slacked on fundraising and stuff this year for the walk, but I guess I have a few legitimate excuses? Such as my knee surgery and barely being able to get out of bed for a couple weeks.

I am also excited for my "sister"s wedding. It is actually my ex's sister, but I still consider her my sister. She is getting married on 11/11/11 :) and I am in the wedding. My dress is gorgeous! And I cannot wait to see her in her dress. I know she will look absolutely stunning! Her little daughter, Olivia, and I will be walking down the aisle together. Oh how I adore that little girl.

Well, I am off to my training. Good morning all. Have a good day.
Ash

Frustrated Beyond Belief

Have you ever been so frustrated that you cannot stand it? Have you ever been so furious with someone that you love so much that it is confusing? I have. I am. He is an amazing man, I know he can be better than he is acting. I believe in who he wants to be. I am one of the only people who have stood by him for 8 years and supported every decision, believed in him every second, and loved him with my whole heart. Yet, he continues to break my heart each and every day he ignores me. He tells everyone but myself that he wants to break up. I gave him his time. I am done waiting around. I am making my moves now.

On another note, I started physical therapy on my knee last Friday. It didn't go so well the first appointment, but I went back today and made good progress! I doubled my motion bending. I lifted my heel off the table for a few seconds. That is a big improvement from the other day. So, at least that is going right in my life.

I am going to go continue my Law & Order: SVU marathon. Goodnight
Ash

Ups and Downs

Being a diabetic has taught me that nothing is certain in life and that life is full of ups and downs, sometimes ups and downs that you can't control. There have been a few ups and downs in my life recently, some more significant than others. So, I figured I would write about them.

As for the ups. I have increased my close friend circle a great deal. I have found out who my true friends are. I had an awesome doctor appointment today. It was my first checkup after the surgery. He took me off crutches and told me I can start therapy. I can start bending it in therapy. I got a cool x-ray of the screws in my leg. The doctor said he is very pleased with how my progress is compared to the major work I had done and the incisions look great.

As for the downs. I am slowly losing my best friend and boyfriend, the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. Because of the stress from this I have lost weight, fast, which is not good. I have been crying a lot, which is not fun. I did have to have surgery, so that is a down, even if everything is going well. I did not get the job at the library I applied for, so I must again start looking for jobs. I am in a lot of pain, but it is getting better.

I am sure there are more ups and downs, but I am going to leave it at that. As for the ups and downs of diabetes, I have those too. My blood sugar was doing awesome, but now all of a sudden it is all over the place. Well, that's all.

Ash

My Kind of High

Yes, it is 6:45am and yes, I am awake. To explain exactly why I am awake, blood sugar. You should know by now (if you follow my blogs) that I had surgery so I am on pain medication. Well, I woke up at 6:30 to take my medicine and I checked my sugar because I felt a little funny. Sure enough, 506. Yes, my blood sugar is a whopping five-hundred-and-six. And now that I think about it, I have all of the symptoms. Mid-night highs are hard to sense because all of the symptoms have other explanations. Blurry vision, could be because I just woke up. Stomach pain, I often have stomach aches right as I wake up. Nausea, maybe I ate something too close to going to bed. Sweating, it is really hot in here isn't it?

So there we go. That is my kind of high. Such a rush, NOT. I changed my pump site, just in case that was the problem, and took 5.4 units of insulin and my pump instructed me to do. Hopefully, it will come back down soon, because I hate this feeling, the feeling of my kind of high. I am afraid to sleep when it is this high, but I am so tired. So I guess I just have to keep myself busy and awake until it comes down to a comfortable level that I can get some rest. I will update this post later with results of the morning, so be sure to check back to hear the rest of the story.

UPDATES:
7:15am (after half an hour) my sugar is 423 (down 86 points from original)
8:30am (almost 2 hours after) my sugar is 230 (down 276 points from original)
11:00am (about 4 hours after) my sugar is 108 (down 398 points from original)

Well, my sugar is back to normal. It took about 4 hours, some sleep, a few bathroom runs, and a lot of water, but it is back to normal. Oh the life of a diabetic.

Ash

Beautiful Mess

What a beautiful mess I am in. I dream at night of the things I know he can be, that I know we can be. Almost every night I feel the warmth of being in that position again, being in his arms. And then I wake up. And my world comes crashing down. The promises still linger in my head and in my heart, so I wait as patiently as I possibly can. I wonder, I wish, I think, I hope, I pray, I cry, I talk, I scream...I have all of these emotions running through me. I have never been so depressed, sad, upset, frustrated, confused all at the same time. Everyone has their opinions. It's either "everything is going to be okay" or "you will get over this". No one knows. To be honest, no one knows but him. However, I do have this gut feeling that when he is ready to settle down, start his life, and be with someone...he will come back to me. I know he loves me, I can see it in the way he looks at me, I can feel it in his kiss...in his touch. Well, just in case you are reading this, I love you.