Getting Back on the Saddle

Hey everyone! It has been a veryyyy long time since I have blogged and I apologize for letting you all down. However, I am getting back on the blogging saddle. I will have new topics as often as possible regarding my life with type 1 diabetes mainly, but also about everyday life or things that are on my mind. Please leave comments on this post with topic ideas, questions you may have about me or anything in general, and things you want to hear about! I look forward to starting fresh; not only here at Juvenated, but in life as well. It is time to wash away the negative from the past and look to the future. Thanks guys!

Healthy Relationships

     There are so many things that go into a healthy relationship, but there are some things that are more important than others. I am going to list my top ten qualities of a healthy relationship and go in depth a little on what is included in these and what it takes to achieve them. In my mind, if your relationship has all of these, it will last.
     1. Balance: This can be defined in many ways and they all apply here. This applies to a healthy balance of time spent together and time spent away, or even a balanced diet amongst the two. Staying fit together is a good way to bond, and giving the other time to be on their own is healthy as well. It is important to know boundaries, otherwise conflicts will occur.
     2. Confidence: For a relationship to be successful, each partner must be confident in themselves, but more importantly they must be confident in the relationship. If one party is constantly worried that the other will leave or cheat on them, they become overbearing and their lack of confidence can become annoying to the other.

     3. Independence: It is important to be independent for the same reasons listed in number one, as well as many others. You can not rely on someone else for your happiness or success in life. If you must have your significant other around to be happy, you will have a sad life. Codependency is dysfunctional. Don't be needy.
     4. Communication: Obviously communication is key. If you have not already made this priority in your relationship, it must be pretty messed up. I could not imagine a relationship becoming serious without talking about things. You must establish a system. Know how to relate with your partner and everything will be easier.
     5. Emotional Openness: This is defined by being able to share emotions as well as being honest. If you do not feel comfortable showing your true emotions in front of your partner, chances are they are not the one for you. It is important to be able to be open to your partner's emotional side as well. It is extremely critical to be able to empathize with your partner's feelings as well as be understanding of things they may say or do to an extent. This will open up your relationship to a whole new level.

     6. Attraction: Attraction is very important. For a relationship to be successful there must be physical attraction on top of the emotional attraction. Without a sex life, a relationship can never reach the truly intimate level.
     7. Unconditional Love: This is not your every day, run of the mill type of love. This is so much more and on a much deeper level. Unconditional means no matter what, without condition. To love someone unconditionally is to love them despite their flaws and imperfections and accept them as they are. This honestly is the true key to a successful relationship.
     8. Inspiration: While you do not want to rely on the other person for everything, you do want them to inspire you to be a better person and to be the bulk of your happiness. You want them to inspire you to do the things you love whether it is with or without you. That is true love.
     9. Flexible: When I say this, I do not mean gymnast type of flexible...although that can be good as well! Haha. I am talking about being non-resistant to change. Life is unpredictable and you do not want someone who will walk out on the last second because something in your plan went wrong.

     10. Sense of Humor: It is very important to laugh together. Spend your time together happy rather than fighting. Find someone who can make you laugh at the littlest things and no matter what kind of mood you are in. Laughing makes the heart grow fonder is what I always say.
     Now that I have listed my top 10, feel free to comment with any others you want to add or even post your own top 10 in the comments. Don't forget to join blogger and follow me!

More Than You Know

     Have you ever wondered if someone is thinking about you? Maybe even dreamed about what they are thinking about? Come on, we are all guilty of this at some point in our lives. For you, I used to do this. Almost daily, I wished that I was on your mind. I thought of you constantly, sometimes to the point of making myself sick. I yearned for you. I cried for you. You never know just what someone means to you until they are taken from you. But it is even worse when they choose to walk away. When you give them everything and get nothing in return. When you think everything is okay, but in their mind it is not. When you have no idea what went wrong or why you are no longer good enough. All of this is what was on my mind. We had plans. But obviously that didn't matter to you. There is so much I want to say to you, but guess what. Instead I will say, I have moved on. I am okay. I have something better. And he is mine.
     In a situation like this, you think you will never move on. You think you will never love again. You think nothing can compare. But you're wrong. I thought all of those things until I met him. Something just clicked. All of my walls, all of my protections, all of my skepticism...burnt to the ground. For some reason, I trust him. I am scared, because this is how we started off. I am scared because I have heard all of the things he has said before. But I have faith. I want to believe. The scars are healing and he only speeds up the process. First we were acquaintances. Brought together by a mutual friend. Then we were friends. Casual, random conversations about our past. Bonding over his car talk. Then we were best friends. Hanging out. Relying on each other. Trusting each other. And now...we are so much more. I don't want to keep us a secret. I want the world to know. He means more to me than he even knows. What he has done for me, I am forever in debt. I never thought things could be normal again. In never thought I would be okay again. But he shows me that I am not some used and broken record, but I am someone capable of feeling and capable of moving on. I am excited for us. I am excited for what we can be and I can't wait to see just that. I won't let him down. I double pinky promise, sealed with a kiss.
     Even though things are complicated, I made a decision and I am sticking to it. A wise friend once quoted, "Tell me princess, now when did you last let your heart decide?" It made me think, I am always worried about how others feel with no regards for my own feelings. While that can be a good thing, sometimes you have to worry about yourself first. So finally, I let my heart decide. And it chose him. For the happenings shortly before this decision, I am not the cause. No matter what some may think, I did not fuel that fire. It was long gone before I arrived. I just happened to be there at the right time. People can judge and people can hate, but it will not change the facts. I am sorry they feel this way, but in the wise words of someone special to me, "I'm over it". :) <3

We are the Best Friends that Anyone Could Have

     So I decided that today I am going to blog about the importance of friendship in your life. Everyone needs friends. We may say that we are loners or that we can survive on our own, but it simply isn't true. The fact is, interactions are necessary. Our friends, and even our acquaintances, are our support system. And without a support system we cannot survive. Could your heart survive without your ribs? I think not! The reason for your ribcage is there is to protect the vital organs within. Similarly, your friends protect you from the world. The true ones are there for you in good times and bad. They are there to hold you through the storms, dance with you in the rain, and laugh with you in the sunshine.

     I know it can be hard to let your walls down and trust someone, but hey...take a walk on the wild side and do something different for a change. Be a friend. Make a difference. Trust me, I know walls. In fact, some would call me the queen of walls. But even I have learned that sometimes the walls are best knocked down. Trust is important. Trust is the vital organs of friendship, and the actions of that special person is the ribcage. Those actions protect the trust that is so dear to us. But what is trust? I say it is unconditionally believing that someone wants the best for you and would do anything to achieve that, but everyone has their own definition. Anywhoozers...back to walls. For years I have built up walls to certain people and have even built up walls in general BECAUSE of certain people. Very few peole break through those walls, but the ones who do I am glad of. You guys know who you are :)
     Without my friends I would not be where I am today. A shout out to some of the closest ones: even if we do not talk every day or see each other often...I love you and you are my best friends. Some that I cannot go without mentioning are to be listed below and if you aren't here it does not mean you are not appreciated. Harley, you are my rock and my soul mate. The past two years of living with you has been the best experience of my life. We have grown together and experienced so much. I swear we are going to grow up to have families yet continue to live together. Inseparable. Andy, you are my best friend and I love you so much. I know we have had some rough patches lately, but that does not change my thoughts of you. You have been there for me through so much and I cannot thank you enough. I'm sorry and I love you. Devin, I met you way back in third grade and even though we were separated for a few years, we came back together as if we hadn't spent any time apart and now I consider you one of my best friends. Not only are you there for me unconditionally, but you have introduced me to an entirely new group of best friends. For that I cannot thank you enough. Which, brings me to Ryan. Even though I have only known you a couple months now, I am closer to you than I am with some of my friends that I have known for years. You have helped me through some rough times lately and I am so thankful for you. You can always brighten my day and I hope that never changes. You know I am here for you no matter what you need. Next, I want to mention my little sister Alyssa. Even though we may bicker and be at each others throats sometimes, our friendship never fades. I love you so much and I am so proud of who you are becoming. Family first, always. Love you sistahhcuzz. Lastly, Sarah and Tim. You guys are the brother and sister I never had, but always wanted. Yes, the way we met and the story in between then and now is a little twisted, but hey...when have we ever been normal? :) I am so thankful to have you and your family a part of my life and I hope that never changes. I miss you all so much. What I wouldn't give for a random drive stalking past the houses we know. Give Livi Bug a hug and kiss from Aunt Ashley!

     There is so many other people that I want to mention, but this would be a book by the end of my list, so I am going to stop now. The moral of this post...let your walls fall down and love a little. It's worth it in the end.

Cinderella Complex

     As I sit alone on this Sunday evening, I think about an issue that makes no sense to me. As a female in this society, I was raised in the completely wrong way and my surroundings constantly push me to be something I am not or something that I cannot be proud of. There are three main points to what I am trying to say.
     First of all, ever since we (and I say we as is MOST females) have been raised to think that it is okay for men to treat us like shit. In fact, we are taught that it is a sign of affection. This is totally backwards! When you were a little girl and a boy pushed you down on the playground or called you names, what did your mother tell you when you complained? For most people, the response was "He is only picking on your because he likes you". In what messed up state of mind is hurting someone physically and emotionally a way to show your affection and appreciation for that person? I believe that this mentality that has been instilled within us is the main reason for the complaints of females today. Men complain "girls always date the jerks". Well, that is because we have been taught that when men are douche bags (for a lack of a better word) to us, it means they like us. Therefore, we let them disrespect us thinking that one day they will grow up and show us their true feelings. Ladies. Wake up and realize that being cheated on, beaten, and broken down is NOT the way a man shows he loves you. Go out and find yourself a real man who treats you like a princess.
     My second point...we are also taught that their is a perfect man. Honestly, their is no such thing. No one is perfect. However, someone can be perfect in your eyes. Accepting someones flaws is what makes a relationship perfect. On top of that, we are taught that men will take care of us and always rescue us. One day our prince will come. Blah, blah, blah. Let's take Cinderella for example. Her perfect man meets her and does everything in his power to make her his own. Her prince rescues her from her horrible home life and whisks her away into the unknown. The problem is, we should not be teaching our daughters to rely on a man to take care of them. Teach independence. Take care of yourself and stop searching for the perfect man because he is not out there. Yes, it is true you will find the man of your dreams, but I can promise that in no way will he be perfect. The other thing that bugs me is about the Cinderella complex that we all suffer is we think that we must change for a man to want us. Cinderella was so afraid to let Prince Charming see her for what she truly was that she left her shoe at a party. I mean come on. My view is, if he doesn't love me at my worst, then he doesn't deserve me at my best. You should not have to put on a pound of makeup and push your boobs up to your chin to make someone love you. You want someone who loves you for you, not your body.

     The third and last point that is getting on my nerves is that as a society we are expected to always look our best. You know, sometimes I just want to wear sweatpants in public, throw my hair in a bun, and wipe ALL of the makeup off. The media tells us that you cannot be beautiful unless you have the best clothes, flawless makeup and skin, and the skinniest figure. The last time I checked, curves are sexier than bones. Girls torture themselves trying to meet this image that is supposedly pretty, but honestly it is sickening. I love my friends because they do not care if I have a few extra pounds or haven't updated my wardrobe since high school. I am the same person inside whether I weigh 140 pounds or 240 pounds. And what about all of these girls with their boobs hanging out of their shirts and butts showing out the bottom of their skirts walking to the club in stilettos. Looking for attention much? That is not the kind of attention you want. There is a certain point when there is TOO MUCH cleavage. Just remember you do not have to let it all hang out to win a guy over.
     Well, I think I am done rambling for now. Just had to get that out there. Comments are encouraged please :) Subscribe to my blog and follow me!

Stronger With Time

It certainly has been a very long time. I have been working on myself, to say the least. As I have not fully healed, I have gotten stronger with time. After everything that happened to me this past summer, things got even more complicated. An on again off again friendship with the one I love who no longer loves me back, being stuck between family and friends and that person, and having mixed emotions. Needless to say, I am confused. I am hurt. I struggle every day. But in the end, I know I have my friends and family and that makes everything somewhat better.

I shall start blogging again. Until next time...

You Haven't Seen The Last Of Me

Hey guys! Wow, it has been a month since I have posted!! My life has been very very hectic. But I am back. You haven't seen the last of me! (Love that song in Burlesque). Anyways, as for what has been up in my life. I am back to school obviously and have sooooo much work to do for classes. I am wrapping up the season of coaching 5th grade volleyball. The girls did SOOO awesome. We are second in the league as of right now, but we have two more regular season games and then tournaments! We also get to coach them as 6th graders next year! Life is going really well right now. Yes, I have my relapses of being down and thinking of the past....but I am okay. I have great friends and I am having the time of my life. :)

Now I am going to move on to my topic for this blog post. Domestic violence. I am just going to vent about my feelings because I got into a debate with someone about this earlier. Domestic violence is the most cowardly thing that can be done. This goes both way, a man abusing a woman or a woman abusing a man. However, I feel it is even more cowardly when a man abuses a woman because most women are weaker than the men in their lives. Speaking to men who abuse: What part of your brain says it is okay to lay a hand on a woman? What says it is a good idea to degrade her, put her down, and make her feel worthless? Why do you have to hurt the ones around you just to feel better about yourself?

In my opinion it is because you feel inadequate. There are many reasons for this, but I am not going to list them all. However, I think the excuse "I was abused as a child" is the dumbest cop out ever. Yes, it is proven that if a child is abused they will be more likely to grow up and become an abuser. But, wouldn't you NOT want to put someone else through what you went through. Does not make sense to me. Seriously grow a pair and have some decency. As for women who abuse their significant other, really girls? We claim to be sensitive and innocent and look at the name you are making for us. I mean seriously people, just stop already.

Better Off?

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately and I have come to a few conclusions that I feel like I need to get off my chest. The past month and a half has been really rough for me, but I am doing alright.

Conclusion #1: I am still in love with Andrew and it is going to take quite a bit of time to be completely over him. He was a huge part of my life and I had future plans with him and all of that was ripped away from me. He has become everything I thought he never was and he is nothing like that I believed he could be. Which brings me to my second conclusion.

Conclusion #2: Maybe I am better off. Maybe it is a good thing that he left me. Maybe we were not meant to be. And as it is hard to fully believe these things right now because I do miss him so much, I feel like maybe this is the case. It certainly is a good thing that he didn't go through with his promises and leave me after we were married and had kids. So, what I have decided is maybe there is someone better out there for me. Someone who won't lie to me, someone who will treat me like a princess ALL the time...not just when it is convenient for him. Someone who will make me smile for the smallest reasons. Or maybe I will be alone forever...which brings me to conclusion number three.

Conclusion #3: If I am alone several years down the road and Andrew were to come back to me and say he is sorry and wants me back, I have no idea what I would do. If you would have asked me what I would do a month ago I would've said I would take him back in a heartbeat. But now he has put me through so much and handled things so immaturely that I have a lot of anger towards him. I feel like if I stepped back and assessed the situation and he had his life on truck I would maybe possibly give him another chance and take it slow. But I would definitely not be jumping in with both feet and I would be watching closely. This whole situation makes me sad. Which leads into the next conclusion.

Conclusion #4: Music tends to make me sad. My iTunes playlist consists of songs that either reminded me of Andrew when we were together or reminds me of our situation now. BUT I have found some happy songs. But just throwing it out there that I can barely get through Remind Me by Carrie Underwood without crying. And my last conclusion...

Conclusion #5: I have plenty of reasons to be happy right now! So I am doing okay actually. I have amazing friends and family. I have my own apartment now. I started school again. I start coaching tomorrow. I just have a lot of positive in my life at the moment. A special shout out to some of the friends and family I was talking about earlier...
Harley Rohrbacher: what would I do without you. You are truly my twin/other half/best friend. Living with you is the bestest!
Andy DeNucci: you are my bestfriend, no doubt about that and you are always there when I need you. Love you!
Sarah Boes: sister! I love you! You have been the greatest help of all through everything and I am so lucky to have you in my life.
Nick Schaefer: oh boy what to say about you lol, you have been there for me a lot lately and I can't thank you enough for the talks and taco night and whatnot. You're really a great guy Nicholas. :)
Olivia Young: you gorgeous little girl. You never fail to bring a smile to my face. Aunt Ashley loves you very much and that will never change! Promise :)
Alyssa Baum: sistahcuz! Loves you. You always have something to say to cheer me up. Miss you.

Well that's it.
Goodnight
Ash

Long Time No See

Wow! I totally did not realize how long it had been since I had blogged. I have been writing a lot, but for some reason I haven't been writing on here! Anyways, I have had so much going on in my life lately. First of all, Andrew broke up with me...so I am a single lady now. Second, I moved into my new apartment! I absolutely love it. Having my own place and living with my awesome roommate Harley is amazing. Third, I have been going through physical therapy and trying to regain strength and motion in my knee. I am off crutches and walking with just the brace unlocked to 40 degrees. I have bent my knee a total of 80 degrees, but that took a little pushing. I still have practically no muscle power though :(. Fourth, school has started! I like most of my classes, but walking to class with this whole leg brace thing is a pain in my behind. Let's just say the bus has become my best friend. Lastly, volleyball is beginning. I am the head coach for a 5th grade volleyball team! I am so excited to start the season. The reason I am blogging at 7:45am is because I am awake waiting to leave for my coaches training. It sucks because it is from 9am-1:30pm and most of the stuff I know already because I reffed for 4 years. Oh well. Practices start Monday. I am so excited!

I have been having A LOT of low blood sugars. Seems like I wake up every morning between 2-7am with a blood sugar under 70. Luckily, my doctor made some changes yesterday and I did NOT wake up last night! HOORAY! Diabetes sucks. I guess I am just having one of those months where I am like screw this, I don't want to do this anymore. I have COMPLETELY slacked on fundraising and stuff this year for the walk, but I guess I have a few legitimate excuses? Such as my knee surgery and barely being able to get out of bed for a couple weeks.

I am also excited for my "sister"s wedding. It is actually my ex's sister, but I still consider her my sister. She is getting married on 11/11/11 :) and I am in the wedding. My dress is gorgeous! And I cannot wait to see her in her dress. I know she will look absolutely stunning! Her little daughter, Olivia, and I will be walking down the aisle together. Oh how I adore that little girl.

Well, I am off to my training. Good morning all. Have a good day.
Ash

Frustrated Beyond Belief

Have you ever been so frustrated that you cannot stand it? Have you ever been so furious with someone that you love so much that it is confusing? I have. I am. He is an amazing man, I know he can be better than he is acting. I believe in who he wants to be. I am one of the only people who have stood by him for 8 years and supported every decision, believed in him every second, and loved him with my whole heart. Yet, he continues to break my heart each and every day he ignores me. He tells everyone but myself that he wants to break up. I gave him his time. I am done waiting around. I am making my moves now.

On another note, I started physical therapy on my knee last Friday. It didn't go so well the first appointment, but I went back today and made good progress! I doubled my motion bending. I lifted my heel off the table for a few seconds. That is a big improvement from the other day. So, at least that is going right in my life.

I am going to go continue my Law & Order: SVU marathon. Goodnight
Ash

Ups and Downs

Being a diabetic has taught me that nothing is certain in life and that life is full of ups and downs, sometimes ups and downs that you can't control. There have been a few ups and downs in my life recently, some more significant than others. So, I figured I would write about them.

As for the ups. I have increased my close friend circle a great deal. I have found out who my true friends are. I had an awesome doctor appointment today. It was my first checkup after the surgery. He took me off crutches and told me I can start therapy. I can start bending it in therapy. I got a cool x-ray of the screws in my leg. The doctor said he is very pleased with how my progress is compared to the major work I had done and the incisions look great.

As for the downs. I am slowly losing my best friend and boyfriend, the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. Because of the stress from this I have lost weight, fast, which is not good. I have been crying a lot, which is not fun. I did have to have surgery, so that is a down, even if everything is going well. I did not get the job at the library I applied for, so I must again start looking for jobs. I am in a lot of pain, but it is getting better.

I am sure there are more ups and downs, but I am going to leave it at that. As for the ups and downs of diabetes, I have those too. My blood sugar was doing awesome, but now all of a sudden it is all over the place. Well, that's all.

Ash

My Kind of High

Yes, it is 6:45am and yes, I am awake. To explain exactly why I am awake, blood sugar. You should know by now (if you follow my blogs) that I had surgery so I am on pain medication. Well, I woke up at 6:30 to take my medicine and I checked my sugar because I felt a little funny. Sure enough, 506. Yes, my blood sugar is a whopping five-hundred-and-six. And now that I think about it, I have all of the symptoms. Mid-night highs are hard to sense because all of the symptoms have other explanations. Blurry vision, could be because I just woke up. Stomach pain, I often have stomach aches right as I wake up. Nausea, maybe I ate something too close to going to bed. Sweating, it is really hot in here isn't it?

So there we go. That is my kind of high. Such a rush, NOT. I changed my pump site, just in case that was the problem, and took 5.4 units of insulin and my pump instructed me to do. Hopefully, it will come back down soon, because I hate this feeling, the feeling of my kind of high. I am afraid to sleep when it is this high, but I am so tired. So I guess I just have to keep myself busy and awake until it comes down to a comfortable level that I can get some rest. I will update this post later with results of the morning, so be sure to check back to hear the rest of the story.

UPDATES:
7:15am (after half an hour) my sugar is 423 (down 86 points from original)
8:30am (almost 2 hours after) my sugar is 230 (down 276 points from original)
11:00am (about 4 hours after) my sugar is 108 (down 398 points from original)

Well, my sugar is back to normal. It took about 4 hours, some sleep, a few bathroom runs, and a lot of water, but it is back to normal. Oh the life of a diabetic.

Ash

Beautiful Mess

What a beautiful mess I am in. I dream at night of the things I know he can be, that I know we can be. Almost every night I feel the warmth of being in that position again, being in his arms. And then I wake up. And my world comes crashing down. The promises still linger in my head and in my heart, so I wait as patiently as I possibly can. I wonder, I wish, I think, I hope, I pray, I cry, I talk, I scream...I have all of these emotions running through me. I have never been so depressed, sad, upset, frustrated, confused all at the same time. Everyone has their opinions. It's either "everything is going to be okay" or "you will get over this". No one knows. To be honest, no one knows but him. However, I do have this gut feeling that when he is ready to settle down, start his life, and be with someone...he will come back to me. I know he loves me, I can see it in the way he looks at me, I can feel it in his kiss...in his touch. Well, just in case you are reading this, I love you.

Music Can Be A Bad Thing

So, I thought that taking a car ride and listening to music would make me happier. The car ride and change of scenery made me feel better, but the music most certainly did not. When songs like "It Matters To Me" and "Every Light in the House" come on the radio, it just makes me think. So I figured I would post some lyrics that have been running through my head.

IT MATTERS TO ME
When we don't talk
When we don't touch
When it doesn't feel like we're even in love
It matters to me
When I don't know what to say
Don't know what to do
Don't know if it really even matters to you
How can I make you see
It matters to me

EVERY LIGHT IN THE HOUSE
I told you I'd leave a light on
In case you ever wanted to come back home
You smiled and said you appreciate the gesture
I took your every word to heart
'Cause I can't stand us being apart
And just to show how much I really miss ya

Every light in the house is on
The backyard's bright as the crack of dawn
The front walk looks like runway lights
It's kinda like noon in the dead of night
Every light in the house is on
Just in case you ever do get tired of being gone
Every light in the house is on




Well, off to watch Secret Life of the American Teenager and try to sleep. Goodnight.
Ash

Quick Update

I haven't been in the best of moods and haven't felt like blogging very much, but I figured I would give you all a quick update on my life. Things are still unsolved with Andrew, just patiently waiting. My knee has gotten better. I took the bandages off and cleaned it up and have been having less and less pain. I am putting weight on my leg when walking with crutches and have significantly cut back my pain medicine. Along with all of the positive, comes the negative. I am SO terribly bored sitting in my bedroom all day every day. Netflix, Yahtzee, Rummy, word games, and Color By Number have kept me sane...along with all of my friends and family. My visitors have been wonderful. Special thanks to a few extra-special friends who made my days go by easier:

Matt Glover: Thank you for that wonderful candy basket courtesy of the store. It has brought a little flavor to my boring life! Thanks, also, for sitting with me while my mom ran errands and keeping me company :)

Paris Hall: Thanks for the visit after work and the pop! It was awesome to have a little change on the menu of drinks haha.

Harley Rohrbacher: Girl, you are the best. You are my best friend and your visits have cheered me up soooo much. Playing Yahtzee and talking was great. Can't wait for our girls night. We are getting an apartment in like a couple weeks! Ahhh. So exciting. You are the best and you know me better than I know myself sometimes. We are practically the same person. Love you girl.

Andy DeNucci: Oh boy, what to say about you. You are seriously one of the best friends a girl could ask for. You know how to treat your girl friends and you know just what to say to make me feel better. You came home from vacation and the first chance you got, you were at my house visiting me. You are my best friend and I am sure there will be many more visits to come...and we can finish that elephant movie haha. Love you bestfrienddd.

My mom and dad have also been so helpful through this whole process. I can't thank all of you enough. Love you all.

Ash

Troubles

This post is going to be very short. I am at a point in my life right now where I am not happy. I am having a few issues with my life. First of all, things are complicated with Andrew. In case you are reading this Andrew, you are the love of my life. I want to spend forever with you and I don't care when that begins, but please come back to me like you promised. Take your time to be who you want to be and get your life on track, but come back to me. I will be waiting...impatiently, but waiting. And in the meantime I hope you will still be my best friend. You are the perfect man for me. I believe in the man you want to be and the man I know you can be. You are my rock, my best friend, and I cannot thank you enough for the past seven years. Please don't let it end. Second, I just had major knee surgery. They did a medial strengthen (meaning they tightened the ligaments on the inside of my knee cap), a lateral release (meaning they severed the ligaments on the outside of my knee cap), split my shin bone, and a patellar realignment (meaning they moved my patellar tendon to the middle of my shin where it should be). I am in a lot of pain and I am on heavy pain medicine, which is why I am making this post short. My words start jumbling when I take my medicine because it makes me tired. I am hoping to cut my pain meds down tomorrow because the pain has decreased a tiny bit. I am also taking the bandages off of my knee tomorrow hopefully.

To wrap this up, my life is at a stand still right now for the most part. I am bored, confused, sad, in pain, hurt, dazed, anxious, and so many more emotions. Part of me feels happy sometimes because I am keeping busy to keep my mind off of things, but when I get bored I start thinking and things cross my mind that make me sad again. I hope things get better soon. For those of you who know me personally, I welcome visitors whenever because it sucks being stuck in your bed with nothing to do.

Goodnight
Ash

Who Ever Said Change Was A Good Thing?

Who ever said change was a good thing, was wrong! Well at least that is how I feel right now. So I know it has been a while since I have blogged, but here it is 11:45pm and I am awake because of...what other than...my diabetes. I had an appointment with my endocrinologist yesterday and we made some major changes to my insulin plan. Throughout the day today, my blood sugar readings were good and I was excited to see that things were going well. Then 8pm rolled around. I had eaten dinner with my boyfriend and his dad and a half hour later my sugar was 51! When I checked my pump it said that despite my bad low, I had 11 units of insulin in my system still working on bringing my blood sugar down even farther! Of course I panicked...but I called my doctor and got things straightened out. Andrew helped me through it and I started feeling a little better by the time he dropped me off at home.

NOW! Three hours later, my blood sugar is 400. I JUST CANT MAKE DIABETES HAPPY. I am unbelievably frustrated and I can tell this is going to be a reallyyyy long night :( But instead of crying and being sad, I am going to tell you my exciting diabetes news. My A1C was 10.9% last appointment. (Yes I know really bad). Yesterday at the doctor I found out it is now 8.8%! That is a whole 2.1% decrease!!! HOORAY! :)

Now I am going to curl up with a warm blanket, a shirt that smells like Andrew, and a nice movie and attempt to get some rest...or at least calm down a little and let the insulin do its job. Goodnight all.

Ash

Stand Strong Together, Never Give Up

I haven't blogged in a while, but I figured I am not busy now so I should write a new post. First a quick update on what is going on in my life. As said in the last post, I have to have surgery. I was off of work for two weeks already due to my injury. One week was for recovery and the second week was for vacation. I spent the week at my campground spending time with family and my boyfriend. We took a day trip to Cleveland to visit the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in which Andrew pushed me in a wheelchair through the whole museum. Haha. I started my online summer classes this morning and today was my first day back to work after the injury.

Now for the real reason for my post. I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. Mostly about my life and my relationship with Andrew. I have had some jerk ex-boyfriends and have been through my fair share of drama, but I have finally found someone who treats me as I deserve to be treated and would do anything for me. Yes, we have our fights and our arguments just as any couple would, but we always make up. It seems like we cannot go an hour being mad at each other before one of us apologizes and initiates the talking things out. Our motto is "Never go to bed angry with each other". This has proven effective because then neither one of us has a sleepless night wondering what the other is thinking or wondering if the other is extremely upset with the other.

The moral of my post (and what has come out of my thinking) is that no matter what happens between Andrew and I, I plan to work it out as long as he wants to work it out, too. There is a short list of things that would make me leave him without even trying to make things work. We have had a few small rough patches in our relationship, and we have had many rough patches in our 8 years of friendship, but we always managed to get through them and go right back to normal. And the reason for this is because we did it TOGETHER. Anything is possible if you stand by the one you love. Stay strong together as one and don't separate in a time of turmoil. If you are truly in love with someone, no matter how upset that person makes you...you should still turn to them for comfort. Want to know who I go to when Andrew makes me mad or sad? Andrew. No matter how mad I get at him, he is always the one I go to when I need to talk or need a hug. It has always been that way. He has been my best friend for going on 8 years now and he still remains my best friend.

Well, now that I have gotten all emotional I am going to end this with one of my favorite phrases and tear-filled eyes. Forever My Superman babe. I love you.

Ash

Surgical Surprise

So, as said in my last post, I injured my knee. After visiting the orthopedic surgeon this past Friday, I found out that I will need surgery on my knee! :( The surgery will be July 18, early in the morning. They are going to sever the ligaments on the outside of my knee and tighten the ones in the inside to prevent my kneecap from dislocating again. They are also realigning my shinbone by moving my patellar tendon into the right spot and holding my bone in place with screws. I am super scared, but not even really for the surgery part. The part that freaks me out the most is that it will be the first time in the 3 years I have had diabetes that I will not be in control of my diabetes and blood sugar. I have to rely on the doctors to take good care of my sugar while under the anesthesia. The thought of that freaks me out like no other.

But as always Andrew has made me feel more confident. He has promised to be there before I go into surgery, waiting in the waiting room while it is going on, be there next to me as soon as I wake up, and be there all day after I go home with me. God love good boyfriends! :)  Anyways, if anyone out there has any advice or success stories about surgery and diabetes I would love for you to share!

Ash

Teeter-Totter Fallout

So, as some of you may know, last Saturday the 11th I was at my campground and I fell off of a teeter totter and injured my knee. I popped my knee cap out. My boyfriend carried me to my camper and fell himself in a hole in our deck! BUT he didn't even drop me or let my leg hit the ground or camper. That's a night in shining armor. He is okay, just a few scrapes that he says doesn't hurt. I spent a few hours in the hospital and they told me nothing was broken or fractured, but I cannot find out if anything is torn until I get an MRI. I have an appointment with my orthopedic surgeon on Friday, so we will see. I am in a big brace and on crutches as of right now. I am off work, too. All I can do is sit around. My lovely boyfriend has done his best to keep my company :) Thank God for him. Well, I am off to finish watching my movie. I will probably be writing a lot during the next couple weeks.

Ash